Reflection and moving on...

I have come to a place in my life where I don't want to continue on the road that I'm going. I want to take a new path, but right now...I can't seem to find the exit ramp for this road to lead me to another road that has greener pastures and happiness.

This involves my personal and career path. I don't care for either one of them right now. In my personal life, I like to say that I'm happy living the independant life, but am I really? There's a part of me that wants to find that special someone out there that I can spend the rest of my life with...to do things with like taking vacations together to the little things going to movies. Of course, you got all that other stuff...but I'm too embarrassed to even type all that down. lol You know what it is. :) Right now, I moved back home to help my parents out after being out on my own for a year. If you read my first blog, I was there, but shortly after, I left and got myself my own apartment. I loved it for the most part, because I didn't have to answer to anybody. I could watch tv when I wanted to, even have my tv, stereo and computer on at the same time. lol Old habit when I was a kid. Or even if I wanted too I could dress or dressless whatever I felt like. I could go to bed late and wake up late...of course if I didn't have to go to work the next morning. But there was also that loneliness as well. I would come home and there was nobody there to greet me and to talk to. I would just go online and chat with my friends instead. Oh, and I can't forget my upstairs neighbor who cooked curry approximately 3-4 times a week. That has to be one of the most foulest odors ever! There were a few times that I wanted to walk up those stairs, knock on his door and tell him that there are other people that live here and are not use to that stank odor. He would cook it late at night. There were a few times where I was already in bed. I really felt like screaming!! I was about to move out into another apartment that was on the outskirts of downtown Dallas for $700/month, but my parents were in dire straits with my dad's medical problems primarily. So, I moved back home again to help them out. I think to myself if I should have done it or not. I wanted my independance and I wanted to not be living with my folks, but like alot of people have told me..."that's wonderful that you are helping out your parents...you are being a great daughter for it...you won't regret it later on in life"......but then of course, I had to end up purchasing a new car because my 99 Toyota Corolla was starting to become troublesome for my knees because it sat so low and that my driver seat decided that it wanted to break on me. There was one rainy day, which was what got me to plunge in and buy a new car, that I was driving on a freeway with the seat all the way back. My arms could barely touch the steering wheel. I probably looked like a pimp driving. haha But I was scared to death....I prayed to God the whole time I was heading to work. That next day, I went and started looking for cars. So now, I got this huge car payment that I have to pay now, which of course cuts into me helping my parents out amongst the other bills I have. At one time, I did have 3 jobs...two of them were seasonal or where I worked once a week, so it wasn't that stressful. Now, I'm down to one job for the time being. I need another job quick! My salary at the library isn't taking care of everything.

That leads me to my career. I've been working at the library for over 11 years. I am ready to move on, but I've looked at some of the jobs out there and they pay less what I'm making now. Should I do it anyway, or should I try to find a job that pays the same or more...hopefully more. There are so many factors why I want to leave the library. I don't feel comfortable telling them here though. Lurking eyes perhaps. Just know that I'm not happy, I feel stressed, and I'm at the end of the line working there now. I need something fresh, to motivate me again to have a great work ethic and somewhere doing something that I love to do. I do like to do research and helping others. That's probably why I've stayed so long, but I need to find another place now. Pray for me. I've given a few prayers out myself for the Lord to direct my path to where I need to go...I know he's listening... :)